I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
