Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
