Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
