I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
