My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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