i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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