I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
