Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
soo... how was my night?
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