I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
