Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
