ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize