I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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