some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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