saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
