we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
