so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
