im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
