apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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