Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
