wrigley field is MILF paradise
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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