Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
