i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
