i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
