I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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