I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
