i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
