Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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