I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
