Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
