I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
