We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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