2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
