If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
