i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
