I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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