All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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