He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
