i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize