I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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