he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
