awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
