I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
