do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize