He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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