i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
