see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
