I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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