My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Please don't give away my fajitas
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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