I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
