Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
