I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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