Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
