My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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