it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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