ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
