My room smells like vodka and shame
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
