my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
