i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
