This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
