you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
