I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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