dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
