Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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