the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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